The day before we were due to leave for our trip up north-I was busily trying to get as much done in perpetration for our trip. My son-George, was still struggling with his emerging canines and doing his best to thwart my efforts. So, I put my phone on airplane mode and allowed him to scroll through photos-while I, at least just did the dishes. Or-so I reasoned.
After clearing the sink-I discovered that George had managed not only to turn the phone service back on but -had placed numerous phone calls. Fortunately, most were close family members who are more inclined to laugh it off but – I then noticed a missed call-followed by a text- from an old acquaintance of mine who lives on the west coast. George had attempted to call her a whopping 12 times! And- with the 3 hour time difference- making it 6 am in her neck of the woods.
I was a bit mortified at first and proceeded to apologize but- she graciously claimed to wake up early and found the whole thing amusing. Her reaction could’ve easily been one of annoyance or anger- instead she responded without the least bit of it. We proceded to a have text exchange that day.
She had recently acquired her license as a registered nurse but -mentioned how all these things have simultaneously sprung up in her life and were momentarily putting her new career on hold . Leading me to think of divine timing – as an employer/friend used to often say.
And-after our exchange I thought how- ironically – when we exert our will in the hopes of gaining “something ” ; we, instead -are being robbed of something even greater.
I thought of my previous self(s) and my need to control and alter outcomes – and the perpetual misery that followed. I may no longer dwell in extremes- but-there are many gradations of control and inflexibility; obscuring the present moment.
When we were finally en route on our 4+ hour north we stopped after just an hour with an urgent need to pee. As we were preparing to get back in the car- a long cargo train went by and – naturally, George was very interested. I allowed him some moments to have a look and then attempted to get him back into the car seat. He was struggling his way against it while screaming and yelling.
Instead of attempting to calm him -maybe even just sit and watch the train, I, instead- thought of the long drive ahead and my desire to have lunch on our arrival so, I forcibly latched a very unwilling George into the car seat.
He did surprisingly well on the rest of the drive but that show of force- in hopes to just reach our destination-a little sooner -cost us upon our arrival. George transformed into a little gremlin – exerting his grievances in any way possible. To the extent-of standing in the driveway and shoving handfuls of rocks into his mouth- while angrily staring me down.
That evening I lay awake and as those early morning hours tend to do; magnified my remorse. Remorse at not having approached George with patience, respect and understanding. The next morning he awoke in better spirits but – the car seat remained a point of contention throughout the entirety of our trip.
Whenever I am inflexible; I am blind to the nuance of the moment – but , thankfully -pain always directs us back to a point of awareness. And – I thought of how my west coast acquaintance had provided such an eloquent template. When we remain equanimous- rather than-say, allow desire to cloud our thinking and bring forth an attitude of impatience; we allow insight and beauty to prevail.
