Some years ago now-Amma- also known as the hugging Saint-was in town and, I was staying with a friend who was invited to go and see her. I tagged along – mostly out curiosity and-for something to do.
At the time I was still quite cynical so , I’m sure I colored it according to my manner of seeing the world then but-in any case, despite my cynicism-some things managed to stick with me. Before the offerings and – the hugging marathon began – Amma gave a dhamma talk- of which, she said – what you build up over a lifetime can be torn down within moments and – to watch the mind , it is a clever liar.
It came to mind recently -witnessing how quickly my interior landscape can change – by letting in just a -little anger – of which -could creep in and quickly take root.
Easter was upon us and like any holiday it comes with expectations. My husbands sister decided to combine easter along with her daughters birthday and have family over on Saturday . And – like the last time we were over- everyone hung out in a smoky garage – resembling more of a lounge.
My son, George- kept going for the door of the lounge but- not only was it smoky- there was also the family dog, that I suspect-wishes to eat him. So, we stayed inside- spent some time with my mother in law but, mostly- it was just George and I.
At some point – my sister-in-laws husband said he’d be in to play with George shortly-so that I may get a chance to socialize – and, that’s when I allowed the narrative of expectation to creep in. He never did come in to hangout with George and -on our way out- a friend of the family said “I’m sorry you had to be inside by yourself the whole time .”
This last comment allowed my interior narrative to take shape and by that evening – I had opened the door to anger, vowing not to go to any future events at their house.
My evening sit was troubled -I suddenly had unceasing chatter -and the following morning I found that I was extremely reactive. At some point that day I began to look at it more objectively- like a scientist, attempting to see what the actual cause of the stirring was.
Fortunately- my last two visits at my sisters in law-the circumstances were identical -so, in a sense-I had my control variable. The first of the two – I hung out with my son -as I usually do, but with the novelty of a different environment and – we had a good time. The second time I hung out with my son but-somewhere along the way I became distracted, angry and focused on leaving.
In the latter I allowed my mind to run with the story of expectation as opposed to being present – and just being with my son-until it was time to go. There was no need to decide whether Id be there for the next party – it hadn’t arrived . And- frankly , once I thought about it – I had no desire to be in the smoky lounge or anywhere else – really. I was doing what George and I always do- just somewhere else.
The following morning, I spoke to my mother over video and- she asked about the different tokens of Easter I was to employ – like an outfit , basket and a potential egg hunt- all of which Id nixed for varying reasons – mainly, George is still too young and- she seemed a little upset. In that moment – where these expectations were being placed on me, I realized – I was doing just that-along with the customary narrative of justification.
All the things that upset us and agitate us – as well as – the complex storylines we weave throughout – are just phantoms. We can choose to be bound by them – spend our lives consumed in ever changing narratives or- arise to other qualities – of say , love.
Though – it doesn’t always come easy-and-we are swept along with the continuous current of the mind but- I can always come back to observe it once more.
Like a sentinel stands gaurd – we watch.
