I spend my days at home with my son -George and – there are days where I have the capacity to be-for the most part-fully present when engaging with him -while other days, not so much. And-I’ve found, that- his temperament will mirror my level of presence.
I’ve had two days recently where I’ve been preoccupied with “fixing” a problem -allowing me to see the correlation- erratic baby with mentally preoccupied mom- more clearly- as moments of contrast usually do. With each example-illustrating -how with, or without -expending as much energy and attention as I had – it would’ve yielded the same results.
I ordered some diapers – and , although the size range was correct – I noticed that they seemed a little small. So, I attempted to cancel my order but- the diapers had already been shipped. I spent 45 minutes one evening chatting via text – with a company representative – watching the white screen and awaiting a response -as my son slept on my lap. I learned that the diapers were ineligible for return so, I was advised to refuse delivery of package . The next day I awoke and -immediately, started to obsessively check the status of the package.
As the day progressed-my attention continued to be elsewhere -despite , all appearances of being present. I wasn’t fooling anyone – my son started to show the first signs of exasperation. I drew up a sign for the delivery driver – as my son tugged at my pant leg- later , I shortened our walk -thinking , I’d spotted the elusive truck in the distance and -all the while -periodically checking for tracking updates.
Finally -George had a sudden outburst – where he screeched and yanked at my hair. I took a pause . Who was acting like a maniac -he or I ? In that moment – I let it go – no longer caring if I intersected the driver or not – rather, just be with my son. I turned my phone to its usual setting -while at home with him -of airplane mode- and-I proceeded to put him down for a nap.
Usually takes some time – where we mess around- have some laughs, he’ll drink some milk and – he falls asleep, as I steadily rock him, in the rocking chair.
After waking up -I did not rush to the next step- I changed him and headed downstairs. Just as I approached the bottom of the steps – the truck pulled up. I opened the door and – startled the poor woman-but – it was clear – she hadn’t noticed my oversized – high contrast sign directed at her. In any case – I was able to take care of it but – seems to me – only after Id let it go – completely.
This got me to thinking how much cumulative energy we expend -on such nonsense -throughout our lives. Oh – it’s just one day – one day and another in a sea of many days like it. Though -this kind of thinking feels more like self -admonishment than anything else and -fruitless . Before I get to the insights – I’ll succinctly relay the second story.
I’m at the last stage of producing some shirts and -getting the labels sewn on. I dropped them off at the local cleaners where they have a seamstress on staff. There was an issue I hadn’t foreseen therefore – did not expect a phone call from them nor- realize they’d attempted to reach me -several times.
Once Monday morning arrived- I began to call them as soon they opened. No answer. I began to imagine her pressing shirts in the back and – potentially -only answering during certain blocks of time. Wishing to take care of it before the day went on- I tried again and-again. And – again.
Then – I realized …….- it was Presidents’ Day!
It’s easy to imagine motives or reasons behind the actions of others – but – these are all colored by our own feelings and perceptions without regard to reality . I am grateful for the moments that remind me to work with what – is . Whenever I’ve been consumed with fixing something – figuring , maneuvering – not until I give it all up – and-stop placing all the emphasis on the results-do things work out and- I get some clarity.
These seemingly mundane moments -that nudge us in the direction of doing what you can and -then, let it go. I was desperate to take care of it and push it out of the way – yet – without consideration to context.
But -even these moments -of preoccupation -have their place. Where we oscillate at higher rates of energy – allowing us to -hopefully , land somewhere closer to the middle
I have a friend who likes to tell me how it’s probable that there’s little choice in all that we do and – reminds me that with every circumstance- there’s a lesson. Through that perspective – nothing is a waste , rather -all those ordinary interactions in the world – slowly wiping some of the mud off our lenses.
With that – Instead of diagnosing my obsessive nature -I’ll say it too – fits right in. I do know – that – in that moment , when I learned it was Presidents’ Day – I had what chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche describes as “the fourth moment”. There’s a gap – a totality of presence and -I laughed.
