He’d been happily shaking a bottle of mouthwash before terror struck!
We stood there and I felt the smooth cold surface of the mouthwash bottle pressed against my leg as my son, George-clutched tightly against me -not allowing me to take a step. He was frightened and was staring at something- I just couldn’t, at first- see what it was. After a few moments- I spotted it. A fruit fly or something close to it – had now stopped to rest long enough for me to see.
Initially, I laughed-naturally, and tried to reason with George, considering all 27 pounds of his obvious advantage to the fruit fly.
This scenario led me to think of the process of dismantling a fear – of expanding outward until you find a reasonable ground to stand on.
My own coping mechanism usually has me keep going further and further out until – at times, I’m viewing it through a lens of eons- lifetimes and eternity. And, with this perspective, all of my fears are akin to that of the fruit fly.
A few nights ago – George did not sleep well-or, rather-not at all. He would wake up hollering and the only thing to do was carry him and walk. This continued throughout the night and at some point-he felt warm, maybe running a fever and so, I took off his shirt-gave him some water and pressed him against me as we continued to pace the house.
After some time-he began to feel cooler and alert- I got the impression he was hungry . I made us a snack and as we stood there – still dark out, we shared our toast with fruit – relishing eat bite. It was a moment of perfect stillness- and, left me with such a pleasant feeling of tenderness.
The first time George was ill was when he was just a few months old and he awoke with a fever. He felt hot all over and was crying with great distress- and, I remember the fear I experienced. I scrambled for a thermometer and sought out google for assistance. I know – it being the first time-coupled with him being so young – it’s only natural to react as I did. But – I relay this because-looking back at that night – what I remember was my fear.
I recently finished a novel and I jotted down a quote – of which, context isn’t necessary -“his will is our peace”. First, to imagine there is a universal order-an underlying law that governs – then , to think all we have to do is quite down and listen for direction – sweeping aside all fear and apprehension.
I can’t pretend to say how-except-there is the potential- the potential to trust that all is exactly as it should be. And, whenever I’m able to tap into such clarity – grace, I’m rewarded with a moment of tenderness in the midst of a long night.
