I heard your neighbor shot himself in his backyard. “No- it was in his front yard” she said. I had heard the story a few days earlier from my mother in law. The story did not stir up meditations on death, impermanence or- the suffering inherent in the transitory nature of reality-instead, I focused on the particulars.
Making assumptions about the man. I saw how these views shifted from someone seeking privacy – retreating to their backyard as a desperate act to stop the pain-to; a man full of anger and spite – wishing to make his torment visible to all the world – or, at least-his neighbors.
Both these versions are of someone living in anguish – some form of it – however it manifests and, somehow- I did not readily feel compassion – rather, made assessments. Left me wondering how Id strayed to such a callous way of being.
I see examples all around – how easy it is to forget – to be distracted and consumed by the happenings of our daily lives. I hadn’t seen my mother in law for a couple weeks – she was sick and suspected-it was mostly – or, atleast- in part- due to exhaustion. She works too much and has a tendency to overextend herself. At some point during this time we spoke over the telephone and she vowed to do things differently. Enjoy her life- placing importance on health and family.
She started to feel better- regain her strength but-was soon, right back to being overworked and overwhelmed.
And – I thought, why is it that we can’t remember. The urgency never remains -although we are all confronted with death -sickness and impermanence in all its forms.
My sitting practice has been falling away for the past few weeks. I get myself on a mat but it hasn’t been for very long-allowing my mind to drift in a myriad of ways. Sometimes looking something up as a result or just going to sleep.
I think of a time where I was consistently committing to two hours of a sitting practice a day and my heart was open- compassion spontaneously arising to the top ahead of other emotions.
Masters – mystics – expound on the importance of remembering; keep the awareness of our impermanence at the forefront of all that we do. It’s in our nature to forget – be swept up in the current of our lives.
So- I’m recommitting to a sitting practice – thoughts come – judgments – analysis – and the best I can do – is just observe.
