Stemming from a recent post – regarding decisions and- our perceived autonomy in the world- I got to thinking about, relationships.
A few months ago I read the biography of Milarepa – revered to many -as a saint, who was born in Tibet in 1052. As a young man – circumstances led him to commit acts -he would later regret. He wished to amend his actions and sought out a teacher that would transmit the Dharma*.
All his searching ultimately led him to a teacher named Marpa. Upon meeting Marpa- Milarepa vowed to give himself entirely over to his direction. Marpa requested that Milarepa first construct a tower and – only after this tower was completed- would he teach Milarepa.
Milarepa went to work -hauling heavy building materials and supplies up a steep mountain. After he had made substantial progress and could foresee the end in sight – Marpa would return and demand he take the tower down- and- begin construction elsewhere – always with some pretense as to why it was all wrong. Milarepa did as he was told – constructing and taking it down -over and over again .
One can imagine the physical and mental strife this caused him -until, finally, emaciated, completely weakened and-covered in sores -he felt he could bare no more. At this point -Marpa consented to transmit the teachings and made his reasons-behind his request of endless towers-known. He did so -in order to clear up enough of Milarepas karma – making him receptive to the transmission of the dharma. Essentially – helping him out.
With this story I am not suggesting we withstand abuse but – rather , highlight what our karmic bonds may have to teach us -as well as , how awareness of this can -potentially , end a cycle of suffering. Milarepa yearned for the teachings and ardently strived – until, he came to a point where he gave it all up-entirely- the effort , the striving. Milarepa accepted that he could do no more and – that , Marpa was likely never to teach him.
I have been with my partner for over a decade now and -initially -acceptance was something I did not do well. I also had a drastically different world view – and – instead of seeing situations as vehicles for growth – I’d mostly- just take things personally.
At some point in our trajectory I started to notice how he would mirror my interior feelings and fill the role of whatever judgment I was placing on him -at the moment. And – I was perpetually scrutinizing his actions as a barometer – debating whether or not to stay him . Analyzing -weighing , qualifying…constantly. But -no matter which way Id oscillate-circumstance continuously kept us together.
Thinking of it now and I’m a little ashamed to admit that -but , maybe -even thinking of it as right or wrong – is not the way. That was the quality of my consciousnesses then – and , could not have inhabited any other.
With time – I’ve come to love and accept myself , probably the – key – to accepting and loving another person. Now I’m able to see all of him – not just isolated moments.
Most of us don’t have gurus or teachers to guide us on the path- but , we do have life circumstances and -other people.
From my experience – there were no decisions to be made- therefore-deliberation was unnecessary. If we no longer have anything left to learn from a relationship – and , it’s time to move on – it’ll naturally fall away on its own. That is -if we don’t fight it – otherwise , pain will surely alert us that something needs to change.
I once heard the transcripts of several past-life regression sessions. There was one -in particular, that stuck with me. A married couple -with years of discord between them -were able to get a glimpse at some of their past lives.
The funny thing was – they’d been traveling together countless incarnations – alternating their roles of aggressor and victim. In one glaring example – a nazi officer and Jewish prisoner. With this awareness – they were able to move on-without any ill feelings.
Every action has to land somewhere- maybe even in, the next life. Hopefully, with some awareness -of a lesson in the midst of every-one of life’s circumstances – we could learn to accept what-is.
Not mourn or yearn for a relationship-rather, to rest assured – it’s all as it should be. But-these are -just ideals -of which, many of us – I, fall short of. Then I think well- I’m qualifying with “shoulds” again.
All we can do – is , well – all we can do, in any given moment.
*Dharma -the eternal and inherent nature of reality, regarded in Hinduism as a cosmic law underlying right behavior and social order.*. -Oxford languages
